I've been having a tough time getting my sleep schedule to a healthy normal. I've been napping in approximately four-hour increments twice a day. Is that alright? I don't really set a clock, but whenever I start to have trouble keeping my eyes open, that's when I nap, and then I wake up about four hours later.

I've also been eating too much bread. It is soo hard to stop, and I've gotten really good at making it. My DH rarely eats things as compulsively as I do. For example, I'll leave him the last tasty something and then they sit around until I can't resist them any longer.

Need to do a bread detox. A simple-carb detox.

I'm always starting over. Guess that's what makes me ednos intead of full-blown... "success."

Every day, no matter what, do these things:

crunches
push-ups
pylometrics
jump-rope
stretches

Try to do these as well:

walking
interval jogging
yoga or pilates

one year, no progress

It's been about a year since my last post on this blog, which wasn't very often anyways.

I'm trying to think back on how my ED has affected this year. I "recovered" for a short while only to find that it was hiding in the shadows all along.
Rarely home alone, I didn't have the chance to binge and purge. When I did give in, the effort for concealment was too great to often repeat: a few times I purged over the side of the porch when my husband was occupied, wearing headphones. If it was dire I would use a gas station restroom having an outdoor entrance (I made sure to clean up any evidence!). Then my husband got a job...

As it has always been, the episodes phased in and out of frequency. I think they averaged about twice a week. Every time I promised myself it would be the last. Binging would cross my mind on the way home from work. The inner narrative was usually something like "I shouldn't have eaten that bagel for lunch... It might still be in my stomach. No, I'm not doing that! A bagel isn't much so I'll just stick to salad when I'm hungry tonight." Then without fail I would get home, kick off my shoes, and raid the kitchen. I went through so much butter and sugar from making cookies! Surprisingly, my weight's been pretty steady up until very recently.

My husband has been unemployed again, but he goes out of town about once a week. I've been binging/purging those days. Had a scare, though: I noticed that my gums were wearing thin and bled when brushed. As a result I'm trying a lot harder to avoid such episodes.

Not too long ago I actually ate a fast-food burger and didn't have any "problems." That's a huge step for me. Burgers usually bring tears. A couple of weeks later I had anxiety over some chicken. Not recovered.. Nope. I'm writing on this blog again, if that says anything.

I weighed less than usual a week ago and now my good jeans don't fit!

My goal (still) is to stop binging and purging. Gluttony is a horrible vice. Purging isn't worth it.
I'm not sure that I can ever kick disordered thought patterns, but maybe I can replace a negative with a not-so-negative/positive? I've always wanted to be what might be called an "exercise-addict." I try and try to get into exercise but it doesn't ever stick.
It's just got to to be done.
No more excuses!

Dear Ana

edit of what i wrote a few months ago:

Dear Ana,

my husband baked a pie for me.
i had some.
too much, really.
but then, everything is too much.

Mia might come by for a visit.
i know how you despise her.
she has her merits, really,
but she always takes advantage of when i'm alone.

my husband is going out of town.
so its me, myself, and pie.
Mia makes it a party.
i know you disapprove.


I just purged for the first time in a while... about a month.
I wish I had more control so that I didn't have to.
Guess that's my goal for this year: improved self control. Don't do it if you know better.

tme for a cleanse and "the garden diet"

With all this dieting I'm still food-obsessed...
Yikes, this blog is so negative!
Time for a cleanse!

Found a website for something called The Garden Diet that incorporates a cleanse with a structured raw vegan diet/lifestyle.

This is taken from their "21 Day Raw Cleanse" Page. It sure is hyped-up but reading this is pretty good motivation:

Week One - Easing in to the cleanse with simple, easy, nutritious, and delicious raw detox recipes and herbal teas! (ease in with no detox symptoms, withdrawals or cravings)...

Week Two - High-Cleansing Week. Simple whole foods Days ("Mono"-eating), one food at a time, just fruits and veggies (feel the power!). Ease in to green smoothies, green juices, and fruit smoothies (melt the lbs. away!), culminating in a one-day water fast, easing out of the fast with Liquid-only, Green-only, and "Mono" days...

Week Three - Simple Raw Meals, cleansing juices and teas....

The 21 Day Raw Cleanse will help you launch in to the summer with confidence! You will enjoy your body transformation, and your new way of relating to your body, your health and your mind!

In the first week you will experience a lightening of both your physical body and your emotional being. You will definitely feel more energetic. With comforting herbal sun-teas you will not experience any uncomfortable detox symptoms, caffeine withdrawal headaches, or flu-like tiredness and aches!

In the second week you will notice weight coming off, inches coming off, your face shape changing, your body weight redistributing, more muscle tone, your skin glowing, your eyes more clear and bright, increased desire to drink more water, and incredible inner peace and mental clarity. Creative thoughts, a sense of direction and purpose, and insights into all kinds of things (life, who you are, what you want, nature's beauty, all you have to be grateful for) are not uncommon in this phase.

In the third week you will experience even more dramatic weight loss, rejuvenation, and beauty! You may experience bliss and ecstasy at just being alive. You will feel empowered and ready to take on the world!

......

Cleansing ocurrs naturally when you stop eating toxic foods. This allows your body to start eliminating the toxins that have been stored up over time. This is the nature of a cleanse. Our bodies can only handle so much food at one time. When we eat more food than the body can handle it stuffs food anywhere it can and the cleansing systems overload and basically shut down.

We were addicted. We were undernourished. We were trying to get nutrients but we were addicted to food that was designed to addict us through chemicals. As soon as there was a little room there came another onslaught of toxic waste. Our idea of cleansing is to stop that onslaught and thus allow the body to eliminate naturally.

During The Garden Diet 21 Day Cleanse you'll encounter some meals and days where we eat a "mono-diet", which means one to three foods at a time are consumed. This way of eating is helpful for digestion, healing the digestion, and maximizing nutrient absorption.

You'll also encounter some liquid meals and days. This provides concentrated nutrition that is easier to digest and that totally nourishes your body on a cellular level, while allowing your digestive system to rest.

......

The Garden Diet 21 Day Raw Cleanse removes….
• toxins, heavy metals, food chemicals, pesticides, pharmaceuticals...
• candida, mold, parasites
• environmental toxins
• toxic by-products from cooked foods
• free radicals, cholesterol, carcinogens

The Garden Diet 21 Day Raw Cleanse repairs….
• joint damage
• muscle damage
• cellular damage
• tissue damage
• varicose veins, spider veins, burst blood vessels
• scars, cellulite, acne
• candida, mold, parasites
• leaky gut, IBS, bloating, digestive problems

The Garden Diet 21 Day Raw Cleanse restores….
• energy, vitality, motivation
• emotional balance
• mental clarity
• sense of joy
• ideal pH balance
• essential nutrients, vitamins, minerals
• healthy sleep
• healthy immune system
• healthy hair, skin, and nails
• improved eyesight
• a healthy inner terrain

......

What people have said about our programs….

"The best thing I have noticed about this program is that if I am hungry, I do not have to eat, water is what I need first.

When I do eat, I do not eat even a fourth of what I usually eat and I am full.

I am not getting headaches..Amen...

My body is not in pain when I awake in the morning.

My clothes I just bought for mother's day are way too big (I have to take them back).

I am sleeping better, I do not need a fan blowing at me and I breathe easier while sleeping.

I think more clearer than I have in months.

Got a bike on Saturday - I enjoy riding it and have found a bike path down the street from my home, been tearing it up...hitting the meddle peddle...Fun, fun, fun...I road around the path 4 times (four miles).

I have discovered myself...I know that I am a wonderful, loving, giving person and warm person.

And the biggest thing that I discovered is that I CAN DO IT...I can continue to be raw thru all the potato chips, Pepsi, cake, cookies, coffee, chicken, hamburgers, fried rice, sausages, pancakes, milk and white chocolate, fried sea food and enjoy the food that I am eating that is simple, easy, is filling and most of all it taste great...

I have lost twenty pounds and I am loving it and myself"

What I learned and what I got out of this cleanse:
• I lost 15 pounds and my clothes fit great
• I gained confidence in eating cleaner when others around me are not
• I learned that I feel better when I eat live foods
• I learned to be in self control
• I lost my sugar cravings
• I liked being reminded that exercise and happiness are a cycle (thanks Jinjee)
• I liked the workouts (although I couldn't do them due to training I plan to start them tomorrow)
• I liked being able to ask questions to others and having a cleanse buddy (shout out to A in Israel!)
• I liked being part of a group that was trying to create change
• I learned that I could compete in athletic events being raw and be stronger than with a cooked diet
• I learned how to create simple, yummy meals to satisfy my cravings
• I felt sexier
• I felt like I was doing the right thing for my body when my neighbors are all doing those shots of HCG to lose weight. They may lose weight, but they don't look that good, where as I have rosy cheeks and they say I "radiate health."
My husband also did the cleanse and he was even more perfect than me. He lost 20 pounds and has learned that he can reach for a piece of fruit or vegetable and be delighted by the taste. He learned that ice-cream makes him hike slower and that he feels better when eating lighter. He is planning on making some life style changes although he won't be 100% raw, he is excited about what this program did for him and made him realize and he is supportive of what I what to do in the future.
Thank you to all of you on this site, to "A" my cleanse buddy- I couldn't have done it without you, I have learned so much from you.

skip

I need to get back into the habit of skipping meals. I stopped that originally so as to keep my metabolism going, but it hasn't been such a positive difference. Eating "smaller meals more often" turned into "poor choices all the time." I snack a lot and give in too easily to junk foods. Also, if I eat breakfast then I am hungrier for lunch and end up eating more overall. So what should I do? Make better food choices, obviously. Maybe make some rules about when food is allowed and be more spartan in regards to quantity. If I'm properly controlling my food choices then the calorie level should fall quite a bit. More vegetables, light protein, much less carbs and fat. And stay away from peanut butter!

don't give up

I lost track of my tracker-tracky diet log.
Bahh.. No idea what day I'm on and Im so far off course that it doesn't matter.

The previous post foretold correctly.
When the bulimic mood - Is it a mood? It comes like a mood, like a tidal wave - sets in, I know it right away. It is there as soon as I'm home alone. The door closes behind him and I scamper off to the kitchen for a "snack" but find myself throwing together a terrible batch of cookies or pancakes or something I know I can easily purge.
I hate it. I hate my lack of self-control.
I've got to hang in there..
With a diet, the worst thing is to give-up when you mess-up.
At least I'm better than that.

I am revising my "phase 1" regimen.
Obsessing over food and the calories in it really seems to make me munchier from thinking about it so much.
Phase 1 needs to be a retraining of thought patterns, a kiddie pool for new habits. It should focus less on counting calories and more on portion size, frequency and quality.

dear Ana

dear Ana,

my husband baked a pie for me.
i had some.
too much, really.
but then, everything is too much.
too much to resist.
that's why i've always been ed-nos.

Mia might come by for a visit.
i know how you despise her
and i know you're right.
she always takes advantage of when i'm alone.

my husband is going out of town.
so its me, myself, and pie.
Mia makes it a party.

phase 1 / day 4

One thing I've noticed about the past few days is the lack of vegetables. I've eaten some, but they haven't been the primary source of nutrition that I want them to be. That needs to change. I also need to be more militant about exercise. The problem there is that it is not yet a habit. I have the most difficulty pushing myself to get out of bed and be active. More than anything, I think that step is crucial to my success.

Things I am proud of myself for:
* consistently tracking my dad-to-day progress and failures
* not eating more cake and ice cream than I did last night and also avoiding it this morning!

What have I eaten today?

Breakfast:
1/3 cup plain fat free yogurt - 80
2 tbsp milled flax seed - 70
< 1/4 cup Kashi Heart Health cereal - 30
1 cup fat free milk in coffee - 90

lunch:
1 peach
1 whole wheat English muffin

evening:
broccoli
cabbage
tea (with cream and sugar, unfortunately)

night:
*sigh*
cake
cheese
crackers
peanut butter
and mixed vegetables!


Another bad idea: What if I put off calorie counting for phase 1 and focus on what I eat instead? I can go uber-health-nut and try a raw diet.

phase 1 / day 3

I'm having trouble staying within the calorie level I want to.
My body YELLS when it wants/needs something. For example, I've been 114-117 pretty consistently for the past year. That is not because I haven't been trying to diet. Every time I get a little progress I lose control; my body flips a switch in my head and I end up binging on graham crackers or something.
My usual caloric intake, before "relapsing," was between 1200 and 2000. I've been wondering if it would be better to raise the caloric expectation slightly while focusing harder on habitual exercise. This would decrease the chance of binging and increase physical fitness. It may also help to keep my metabolism decent.
On the other hand, I'm disgusted that I can't bring myself to muster more control over my own eating habits. Eating is so consumerist, so in-evolved. And I've been obsessed with food itself for so long that I've even been keeping up a baking blog. Getting pretty good at those home-baked bread loaves! Now bread, those containing simple carbohydrates, is my arch enemy. Or is all bread now forbidden?

Oh Ana! Ana, you are quite the goddess. You cannot help but to bring your followers to obsession and despair. They are captivated by your gaze, your beautiful bones. They die trying to become like you.

What did you eat today?

Morning: diluted grapefruit juice – 50 2 prunes – 50 fat-free milk – 45 fat-free yogurt – 50 milled flaxseed – 70 walnuts – 50 Afternoon: fat-free milk – 20 plain fat-free yogurt – 50 milled flaxseed – 50 1 egg – 70 olive oil – 10 Evening: saltine crackers - 60 scrambled egg – 100 cheese – 100 broccoli – 40 Dessert with DH: frozen yogurt – 150 graham crackers – 200 plain fat-free yogurt – 40 cake – 300

10 15 10 10 30

Total calories = 1205

Points = 75

How many points did you accrue?
75

How much did you exercise?
rollerblading for 30 minutes; walking for 1 hr.

Did you exercise enough to eliminate the points (30 minutes + # of points)?
For today, I have 15 points leftover. From the past few days there are still quite a few.

Do you have any points to roll over for tomorrow? How many?
175 + today's 15 = 190. That's a bit over 3 hrs. Call it 3 and 1/2 for a penalty.

Did you work on your abs?
Not yet but I will soon.

Did you stretch?
A little. Will do more soon.

phase 1 / day 2

What did you eat today?

Sourdough rye bread – 100 Butter beans – 100 1 slice of whole grain bread – 120 2 slices of turkey – 50 Walnuts – 100 Sweetened tea – 30 Flaxseed meal – 70 Vegetable soup – 120 Saltine crackers – 100	10 10
Total calories – 810	Points – 20

How many points did you accrue?
20

How much did you exercise?
low-intensity walk for 30 minutes

Did you exercise enough to eliminate the points (30 minutes + # of points)?
no

Do you have any points to roll over for tomorrow? How many?
yes: 20 + 155 from yesterday

Did you work on your abs?
no

Did you stretch?
yes

Conclusions:
Better than yesterday but not good enough. Keep at it. Push yourself harder.
Tomorrow I HAVE TO EXERCISE. No more putting it off. Do abs twice.
I have 175 points to work off. That's 2 hrs and 55 minutes. Round up to 3 hrs for good measure and add tomorrow's 30.

phase 1 / day 1

Did you stick to your plan?
No.

What did you eat today? How many calories (round up)?

whole wheat Eng. muffin - 120 2 sesame crackers - 20 multigrain tortilla chips - 50 soy nut snack mix - 100 fat free milk in coffee - 40 sourdough rye bread - 200 hummus - 400 grapefruit juice - 200 baby carrots - 5 butter beans (no butter) - 400 peanut butter - 300 rye bread - 200	10 10 10 15 + 30 30 15 + 30
Total calories - 2035	Points - 150

How many points did you accrue?
150

How much did you exercise?
25 minute walk

Did you exercise enough to eliminate the points?
No

Do you have any points to roll over for tomorrow?
Yes: 150 + 5 (short 5 minutes from walk).

Did you work on your abs?
Yes. I did 50 assisted.

Did you stretch?
Not yet but I will soon.


Conclusion:
No wonder I'm fat! My food choices were way too carb-focused and shockingly liberal with the hummus and peanut butter.
It is Day 1 and changing habits takes time, but I have got to work harder at it. I have to hold myself accountable.

I've gotten myself a whopping 2 hrs and 35 minutes of points to eliminate.
I think the best way to work them out is to spread them over the next two days.
If I don't accrue any more points tomorrow and the next day then on Tuesday I will exercise for the usual 30 minutes + 1 hr and 20 minutes. Then on Wednesday I should require 30 minutes + 1 hr and 15 minutes.

think too much

I need to make a plan and stick to it.

I came up with a few activities and goals to incrementally add to my lifestyle. Phase 1 starts easily with small expectations. Once they become habitual and I am ready to push myself harder, I'll move on to the next phase.

Phase 1:

• Exercise every day. At least go for a 30 minute walk. Add minutes for points accrued.
• Do arm-toning exercises, like circles while you walk.
• Work on your abs every day. Goal is 30 crunches (try 5 of each variation).
• Stretch out every day.
• Eat less carbs and fat, more produce and protein. Keep track of points. Goal is 0.

Points:
Accruing food points translates into extra minutes of exercise I have to do. Points are to be stacked in relation to what food it is. For example, chocolate is sugary and fatty so it is worth 25 points.

• eating any amount of simple carbs = 10 points
• eating any amount of very fatty foods = 15 points
• eating more than one serving of anything not "safe" = 30+ points

Daily Tracking:
From here out I need to track how well I do.
Answer these questions every night:

• What did you eat today?
  
• How many points did you accrue?
  
• How much did you exercise?
• Did you exercise enough to eliminate the points (30 minutes + # of points)?
• Do you have any points to roll over for tomorrow? How many?
• Did you work on your abs?
• Did you stretch?
  

rude awakening

One of the worst things that could be said to someone with an eating-disorder was said to me a few days ago. It was Friday, Oct 7^th. A new-hire I’m training was talking about her diet and exercise regimen, on track to lose 2 lbs a week. I humored her while she explained how many calories people need to maintain personal body weight and she went on to guess at my own weight and how many calories I should eat to maintain or lose. Apparently she has a lot of experience from sizing customers and is very accurate…
Apparently I look like I weigh 130-135 lbs.
My inner Ana has been freaking out ever since.
Of course I nodded yes that she was correct. Nobody, nobody, needs to know I weigh less. I don’t care if they think I’m made of concrete, they are not knowing how low my bmi goes.
But she guessed 20 lbs over! I need to work out more.

I’ve known I need more exercise pretty much all my life. It’s not something I’m good at sticking to. The only exercise I regularly enjoy is walking and roller-blading, but I don’t do either often enough.
From here out, that is changing. I’ve got to do this. I can’t let Ana down.

tattoo-spo: shoulders