one year, no progress

It's been about a year since my last post on this blog, which wasn't very often anyways.

I'm trying to think back on how my ED has affected this year. I "recovered" for a short while only to find that it was hiding in the shadows all along.
Rarely home alone, I didn't have the chance to binge and purge. When I did give in, the effort for concealment was too great to often repeat: a few times I purged over the side of the porch when my husband was occupied, wearing headphones. If it was dire I would use a gas station restroom having an outdoor entrance (I made sure to clean up any evidence!). Then my husband got a job...

As it has always been, the episodes phased in and out of frequency. I think they averaged about twice a week. Every time I promised myself it would be the last. Binging would cross my mind on the way home from work. The inner narrative was usually something like "I shouldn't have eaten that bagel for lunch... It might still be in my stomach. No, I'm not doing that! A bagel isn't much so I'll just stick to salad when I'm hungry tonight." Then without fail I would get home, kick off my shoes, and raid the kitchen. I went through so much butter and sugar from making cookies! Surprisingly, my weight's been pretty steady up until very recently.

My husband has been unemployed again, but he goes out of town about once a week. I've been binging/purging those days. Had a scare, though: I noticed that my gums were wearing thin and bled when brushed. As a result I'm trying a lot harder to avoid such episodes.

Not too long ago I actually ate a fast-food burger and didn't have any "problems." That's a huge step for me. Burgers usually bring tears. A couple of weeks later I had anxiety over some chicken. Not recovered.. Nope. I'm writing on this blog again, if that says anything.

I weighed less than usual a week ago and now my good jeans don't fit!

My goal (still) is to stop binging and purging. Gluttony is a horrible vice. Purging isn't worth it.
I'm not sure that I can ever kick disordered thought patterns, but maybe I can replace a negative with a not-so-negative/positive? I've always wanted to be what might be called an "exercise-addict." I try and try to get into exercise but it doesn't ever stick.
It's just got to to be done.
No more excuses!

Dear Ana

edit of what i wrote a few months ago:

Dear Ana,

my husband baked a pie for me.
i had some.
too much, really.
but then, everything is too much.

Mia might come by for a visit.
i know how you despise her.
she has her merits, really,
but she always takes advantage of when i'm alone.

my husband is going out of town.
so its me, myself, and pie.
Mia makes it a party.
i know you disapprove.


I just purged for the first time in a while... about a month.
I wish I had more control so that I didn't have to.
Guess that's my goal for this year: improved self control. Don't do it if you know better.

tme for a cleanse and "the garden diet"

With all this dieting I'm still food-obsessed...
Yikes, this blog is so negative!
Time for a cleanse!

Found a website for something called The Garden Diet that incorporates a cleanse with a structured raw vegan diet/lifestyle.

This is taken from their "21 Day Raw Cleanse" Page. It sure is hyped-up but reading this is pretty good motivation:

Week One - Easing in to the cleanse with simple, easy, nutritious, and delicious raw detox recipes and herbal teas! (ease in with no detox symptoms, withdrawals or cravings)...

Week Two - High-Cleansing Week. Simple whole foods Days ("Mono"-eating), one food at a time, just fruits and veggies (feel the power!). Ease in to green smoothies, green juices, and fruit smoothies (melt the lbs. away!), culminating in a one-day water fast, easing out of the fast with Liquid-only, Green-only, and "Mono" days...

Week Three - Simple Raw Meals, cleansing juices and teas....

The 21 Day Raw Cleanse will help you launch in to the summer with confidence! You will enjoy your body transformation, and your new way of relating to your body, your health and your mind!

In the first week you will experience a lightening of both your physical body and your emotional being. You will definitely feel more energetic. With comforting herbal sun-teas you will not experience any uncomfortable detox symptoms, caffeine withdrawal headaches, or flu-like tiredness and aches!

In the second week you will notice weight coming off, inches coming off, your face shape changing, your body weight redistributing, more muscle tone, your skin glowing, your eyes more clear and bright, increased desire to drink more water, and incredible inner peace and mental clarity. Creative thoughts, a sense of direction and purpose, and insights into all kinds of things (life, who you are, what you want, nature's beauty, all you have to be grateful for) are not uncommon in this phase.

In the third week you will experience even more dramatic weight loss, rejuvenation, and beauty! You may experience bliss and ecstasy at just being alive. You will feel empowered and ready to take on the world!

......

Cleansing ocurrs naturally when you stop eating toxic foods. This allows your body to start eliminating the toxins that have been stored up over time. This is the nature of a cleanse. Our bodies can only handle so much food at one time. When we eat more food than the body can handle it stuffs food anywhere it can and the cleansing systems overload and basically shut down.

We were addicted. We were undernourished. We were trying to get nutrients but we were addicted to food that was designed to addict us through chemicals. As soon as there was a little room there came another onslaught of toxic waste. Our idea of cleansing is to stop that onslaught and thus allow the body to eliminate naturally.

During The Garden Diet 21 Day Cleanse you'll encounter some meals and days where we eat a "mono-diet", which means one to three foods at a time are consumed. This way of eating is helpful for digestion, healing the digestion, and maximizing nutrient absorption.

You'll also encounter some liquid meals and days. This provides concentrated nutrition that is easier to digest and that totally nourishes your body on a cellular level, while allowing your digestive system to rest.

......

The Garden Diet 21 Day Raw Cleanse removes….
• toxins, heavy metals, food chemicals, pesticides, pharmaceuticals...
• candida, mold, parasites
• environmental toxins
• toxic by-products from cooked foods
• free radicals, cholesterol, carcinogens

The Garden Diet 21 Day Raw Cleanse repairs….
• joint damage
• muscle damage
• cellular damage
• tissue damage
• varicose veins, spider veins, burst blood vessels
• scars, cellulite, acne
• candida, mold, parasites
• leaky gut, IBS, bloating, digestive problems

The Garden Diet 21 Day Raw Cleanse restores….
• energy, vitality, motivation
• emotional balance
• mental clarity
• sense of joy
• ideal pH balance
• essential nutrients, vitamins, minerals
• healthy sleep
• healthy immune system
• healthy hair, skin, and nails
• improved eyesight
• a healthy inner terrain

......

What people have said about our programs….

"The best thing I have noticed about this program is that if I am hungry, I do not have to eat, water is what I need first.

When I do eat, I do not eat even a fourth of what I usually eat and I am full.

I am not getting headaches..Amen...

My body is not in pain when I awake in the morning.

My clothes I just bought for mother's day are way too big (I have to take them back).

I am sleeping better, I do not need a fan blowing at me and I breathe easier while sleeping.

I think more clearer than I have in months.

Got a bike on Saturday - I enjoy riding it and have found a bike path down the street from my home, been tearing it up...hitting the meddle peddle...Fun, fun, fun...I road around the path 4 times (four miles).

I have discovered myself...I know that I am a wonderful, loving, giving person and warm person.

And the biggest thing that I discovered is that I CAN DO IT...I can continue to be raw thru all the potato chips, Pepsi, cake, cookies, coffee, chicken, hamburgers, fried rice, sausages, pancakes, milk and white chocolate, fried sea food and enjoy the food that I am eating that is simple, easy, is filling and most of all it taste great...

I have lost twenty pounds and I am loving it and myself"

What I learned and what I got out of this cleanse:
• I lost 15 pounds and my clothes fit great
• I gained confidence in eating cleaner when others around me are not
• I learned that I feel better when I eat live foods
• I learned to be in self control
• I lost my sugar cravings
• I liked being reminded that exercise and happiness are a cycle (thanks Jinjee)
• I liked the workouts (although I couldn't do them due to training I plan to start them tomorrow)
• I liked being able to ask questions to others and having a cleanse buddy (shout out to A in Israel!)
• I liked being part of a group that was trying to create change
• I learned that I could compete in athletic events being raw and be stronger than with a cooked diet
• I learned how to create simple, yummy meals to satisfy my cravings
• I felt sexier
• I felt like I was doing the right thing for my body when my neighbors are all doing those shots of HCG to lose weight. They may lose weight, but they don't look that good, where as I have rosy cheeks and they say I "radiate health."
My husband also did the cleanse and he was even more perfect than me. He lost 20 pounds and has learned that he can reach for a piece of fruit or vegetable and be delighted by the taste. He learned that ice-cream makes him hike slower and that he feels better when eating lighter. He is planning on making some life style changes although he won't be 100% raw, he is excited about what this program did for him and made him realize and he is supportive of what I what to do in the future.
Thank you to all of you on this site, to "A" my cleanse buddy- I couldn't have done it without you, I have learned so much from you.