I've been having a tough time getting my sleep schedule to a healthy normal. I've been napping in approximately four-hour increments twice a day. Is that alright? I don't really set a clock, but whenever I start to have trouble keeping my eyes open, that's when I nap, and then I wake up about four hours later.

I've also been eating too much bread. It is soo hard to stop, and I've gotten really good at making it. My DH rarely eats things as compulsively as I do. For example, I'll leave him the last tasty something and then they sit around until I can't resist them any longer.

Need to do a bread detox. A simple-carb detox.

I'm always starting over. Guess that's what makes me ednos intead of full-blown... "success."

Every day, no matter what, do these things:

crunches
push-ups
pylometrics
jump-rope
stretches

Try to do these as well:

walking
interval jogging
yoga or pilates

one year, no progress

It's been about a year since my last post on this blog, which wasn't very often anyways.

I'm trying to think back on how my ED has affected this year. I "recovered" for a short while only to find that it was hiding in the shadows all along.
Rarely home alone, I didn't have the chance to binge and purge. When I did give in, the effort for concealment was too great to often repeat: a few times I purged over the side of the porch when my husband was occupied, wearing headphones. If it was dire I would use a gas station restroom having an outdoor entrance (I made sure to clean up any evidence!). Then my husband got a job...

As it has always been, the episodes phased in and out of frequency. I think they averaged about twice a week. Every time I promised myself it would be the last. Binging would cross my mind on the way home from work. The inner narrative was usually something like "I shouldn't have eaten that bagel for lunch... It might still be in my stomach. No, I'm not doing that! A bagel isn't much so I'll just stick to salad when I'm hungry tonight." Then without fail I would get home, kick off my shoes, and raid the kitchen. I went through so much butter and sugar from making cookies! Surprisingly, my weight's been pretty steady up until very recently.

My husband has been unemployed again, but he goes out of town about once a week. I've been binging/purging those days. Had a scare, though: I noticed that my gums were wearing thin and bled when brushed. As a result I'm trying a lot harder to avoid such episodes.

Not too long ago I actually ate a fast-food burger and didn't have any "problems." That's a huge step for me. Burgers usually bring tears. A couple of weeks later I had anxiety over some chicken. Not recovered.. Nope. I'm writing on this blog again, if that says anything.

I weighed less than usual a week ago and now my good jeans don't fit!

My goal (still) is to stop binging and purging. Gluttony is a horrible vice. Purging isn't worth it.
I'm not sure that I can ever kick disordered thought patterns, but maybe I can replace a negative with a not-so-negative/positive? I've always wanted to be what might be called an "exercise-addict." I try and try to get into exercise but it doesn't ever stick.
It's just got to to be done.
No more excuses!

Dear Ana

edit of what i wrote a few months ago:

Dear Ana,

my husband baked a pie for me.
i had some.
too much, really.
but then, everything is too much.

Mia might come by for a visit.
i know how you despise her.
she has her merits, really,
but she always takes advantage of when i'm alone.

my husband is going out of town.
so its me, myself, and pie.
Mia makes it a party.
i know you disapprove.


I just purged for the first time in a while... about a month.
I wish I had more control so that I didn't have to.
Guess that's my goal for this year: improved self control. Don't do it if you know better.