skip

I need to get back into the habit of skipping meals. I stopped that originally so as to keep my metabolism going, but it hasn't been such a positive difference. Eating "smaller meals more often" turned into "poor choices all the time." I snack a lot and give in too easily to junk foods. Also, if I eat breakfast then I am hungrier for lunch and end up eating more overall. So what should I do? Make better food choices, obviously. Maybe make some rules about when food is allowed and be more spartan in regards to quantity. If I'm properly controlling my food choices then the calorie level should fall quite a bit. More vegetables, light protein, much less carbs and fat. And stay away from peanut butter!

don't give up

I lost track of my tracker-tracky diet log.
Bahh.. No idea what day I'm on and Im so far off course that it doesn't matter.

The previous post foretold correctly.
When the bulimic mood - Is it a mood? It comes like a mood, like a tidal wave - sets in, I know it right away. It is there as soon as I'm home alone. The door closes behind him and I scamper off to the kitchen for a "snack" but find myself throwing together a terrible batch of cookies or pancakes or something I know I can easily purge.
I hate it. I hate my lack of self-control.
I've got to hang in there..
With a diet, the worst thing is to give-up when you mess-up.
At least I'm better than that.

I am revising my "phase 1" regimen.
Obsessing over food and the calories in it really seems to make me munchier from thinking about it so much.
Phase 1 needs to be a retraining of thought patterns, a kiddie pool for new habits. It should focus less on counting calories and more on portion size, frequency and quality.

dear Ana

dear Ana,

my husband baked a pie for me.
i had some.
too much, really.
but then, everything is too much.
too much to resist.
that's why i've always been ed-nos.

Mia might come by for a visit.
i know how you despise her
and i know you're right.
she always takes advantage of when i'm alone.

my husband is going out of town.
so its me, myself, and pie.
Mia makes it a party.

phase 1 / day 4

One thing I've noticed about the past few days is the lack of vegetables. I've eaten some, but they haven't been the primary source of nutrition that I want them to be. That needs to change. I also need to be more militant about exercise. The problem there is that it is not yet a habit. I have the most difficulty pushing myself to get out of bed and be active. More than anything, I think that step is crucial to my success.

Things I am proud of myself for:
* consistently tracking my dad-to-day progress and failures
* not eating more cake and ice cream than I did last night and also avoiding it this morning!

What have I eaten today?

Breakfast:
1/3 cup plain fat free yogurt - 80
2 tbsp milled flax seed - 70
< 1/4 cup Kashi Heart Health cereal - 30
1 cup fat free milk in coffee - 90

lunch:
1 peach
1 whole wheat English muffin

evening:
broccoli
cabbage
tea (with cream and sugar, unfortunately)

night:
*sigh*
cake
cheese
crackers
peanut butter
and mixed vegetables!


Another bad idea: What if I put off calorie counting for phase 1 and focus on what I eat instead? I can go uber-health-nut and try a raw diet.

phase 1 / day 3

I'm having trouble staying within the calorie level I want to.
My body YELLS when it wants/needs something. For example, I've been 114-117 pretty consistently for the past year. That is not because I haven't been trying to diet. Every time I get a little progress I lose control; my body flips a switch in my head and I end up binging on graham crackers or something.
My usual caloric intake, before "relapsing," was between 1200 and 2000. I've been wondering if it would be better to raise the caloric expectation slightly while focusing harder on habitual exercise. This would decrease the chance of binging and increase physical fitness. It may also help to keep my metabolism decent.
On the other hand, I'm disgusted that I can't bring myself to muster more control over my own eating habits. Eating is so consumerist, so in-evolved. And I've been obsessed with food itself for so long that I've even been keeping up a baking blog. Getting pretty good at those home-baked bread loaves! Now bread, those containing simple carbohydrates, is my arch enemy. Or is all bread now forbidden?

Oh Ana! Ana, you are quite the goddess. You cannot help but to bring your followers to obsession and despair. They are captivated by your gaze, your beautiful bones. They die trying to become like you.

What did you eat today?

Morning: diluted grapefruit juice – 50 2 prunes – 50 fat-free milk – 45 fat-free yogurt – 50 milled flaxseed – 70 walnuts – 50 Afternoon: fat-free milk – 20 plain fat-free yogurt – 50 milled flaxseed – 50 1 egg – 70 olive oil – 10 Evening: saltine crackers - 60 scrambled egg – 100 cheese – 100 broccoli – 40 Dessert with DH: frozen yogurt – 150 graham crackers – 200 plain fat-free yogurt – 40 cake – 300

10 15 10 10 30

Total calories = 1205

Points = 75

How many points did you accrue?
75

How much did you exercise?
rollerblading for 30 minutes; walking for 1 hr.

Did you exercise enough to eliminate the points (30 minutes + # of points)?
For today, I have 15 points leftover. From the past few days there are still quite a few.

Do you have any points to roll over for tomorrow? How many?
175 + today's 15 = 190. That's a bit over 3 hrs. Call it 3 and 1/2 for a penalty.

Did you work on your abs?
Not yet but I will soon.

Did you stretch?
A little. Will do more soon.

phase 1 / day 2

What did you eat today?

Sourdough rye bread – 100 Butter beans – 100 1 slice of whole grain bread – 120 2 slices of turkey – 50 Walnuts – 100 Sweetened tea – 30 Flaxseed meal – 70 Vegetable soup – 120 Saltine crackers – 100	10 10
Total calories – 810	Points – 20

How many points did you accrue?
20

How much did you exercise?
low-intensity walk for 30 minutes

Did you exercise enough to eliminate the points (30 minutes + # of points)?
no

Do you have any points to roll over for tomorrow? How many?
yes: 20 + 155 from yesterday

Did you work on your abs?
no

Did you stretch?
yes

Conclusions:
Better than yesterday but not good enough. Keep at it. Push yourself harder.
Tomorrow I HAVE TO EXERCISE. No more putting it off. Do abs twice.
I have 175 points to work off. That's 2 hrs and 55 minutes. Round up to 3 hrs for good measure and add tomorrow's 30.

phase 1 / day 1

Did you stick to your plan?
No.

What did you eat today? How many calories (round up)?

whole wheat Eng. muffin - 120 2 sesame crackers - 20 multigrain tortilla chips - 50 soy nut snack mix - 100 fat free milk in coffee - 40 sourdough rye bread - 200 hummus - 400 grapefruit juice - 200 baby carrots - 5 butter beans (no butter) - 400 peanut butter - 300 rye bread - 200	10 10 10 15 + 30 30 15 + 30
Total calories - 2035	Points - 150

How many points did you accrue?
150

How much did you exercise?
25 minute walk

Did you exercise enough to eliminate the points?
No

Do you have any points to roll over for tomorrow?
Yes: 150 + 5 (short 5 minutes from walk).

Did you work on your abs?
Yes. I did 50 assisted.

Did you stretch?
Not yet but I will soon.


Conclusion:
No wonder I'm fat! My food choices were way too carb-focused and shockingly liberal with the hummus and peanut butter.
It is Day 1 and changing habits takes time, but I have got to work harder at it. I have to hold myself accountable.

I've gotten myself a whopping 2 hrs and 35 minutes of points to eliminate.
I think the best way to work them out is to spread them over the next two days.
If I don't accrue any more points tomorrow and the next day then on Tuesday I will exercise for the usual 30 minutes + 1 hr and 20 minutes. Then on Wednesday I should require 30 minutes + 1 hr and 15 minutes.

think too much

I need to make a plan and stick to it.

I came up with a few activities and goals to incrementally add to my lifestyle. Phase 1 starts easily with small expectations. Once they become habitual and I am ready to push myself harder, I'll move on to the next phase.

Phase 1:

• Exercise every day. At least go for a 30 minute walk. Add minutes for points accrued.
• Do arm-toning exercises, like circles while you walk.
• Work on your abs every day. Goal is 30 crunches (try 5 of each variation).
• Stretch out every day.
• Eat less carbs and fat, more produce and protein. Keep track of points. Goal is 0.

Points:
Accruing food points translates into extra minutes of exercise I have to do. Points are to be stacked in relation to what food it is. For example, chocolate is sugary and fatty so it is worth 25 points.

• eating any amount of simple carbs = 10 points
• eating any amount of very fatty foods = 15 points
• eating more than one serving of anything not "safe" = 30+ points

Daily Tracking:
From here out I need to track how well I do.
Answer these questions every night:

• What did you eat today?
  
• How many points did you accrue?
  
• How much did you exercise?
• Did you exercise enough to eliminate the points (30 minutes + # of points)?
• Do you have any points to roll over for tomorrow? How many?
• Did you work on your abs?
• Did you stretch?
  

rude awakening

One of the worst things that could be said to someone with an eating-disorder was said to me a few days ago. It was Friday, Oct 7^th. A new-hire I’m training was talking about her diet and exercise regimen, on track to lose 2 lbs a week. I humored her while she explained how many calories people need to maintain personal body weight and she went on to guess at my own weight and how many calories I should eat to maintain or lose. Apparently she has a lot of experience from sizing customers and is very accurate…
Apparently I look like I weigh 130-135 lbs.
My inner Ana has been freaking out ever since.
Of course I nodded yes that she was correct. Nobody, nobody, needs to know I weigh less. I don’t care if they think I’m made of concrete, they are not knowing how low my bmi goes.
But she guessed 20 lbs over! I need to work out more.

I’ve known I need more exercise pretty much all my life. It’s not something I’m good at sticking to. The only exercise I regularly enjoy is walking and roller-blading, but I don’t do either often enough.
From here out, that is changing. I’ve got to do this. I can’t let Ana down.

tattoo-spo: shoulders